Marriage One Liners
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck
Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.